


how (not) to be a heartbreaker

by taakoshell



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Background blupjeans - Freeform, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Stolen Century, god i don't even know what to tag this as, taagnus week: free day, there is some mild smut in the first chapter but i'm a baby and don't know how to write the nasties
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-11
Updated: 2017-11-10
Packaged: 2019-01-31 17:58:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,145
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12687327
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/taakoshell/pseuds/taakoshell
Summary: RULE NUMBER ONE: You gotta have fun. But baby, when you're done, you gotta be the first to run.RULE NUMBER TWO: Just don't get attached to somebody you could lose.RULE NUMBER THREE: Wear your heart on your cheek, but never on your sleeve, unless you wanna taste defeat.RULE NUMBER FOUR: Gotta be looking pure. Kiss him goodbye at the door and leave him wanting more.orTaako From TeeVee tries (and fails) to follow Marina's step by step guide on how not to fall in love.





	how (not) to be a heartbreaker

**Author's Note:**

> hello!!! thank u for joining me on my first adventure zone fic!! please be gentle i try so hard

**RULE NUMBER ONE: You gotta have fun, but baby when you’re done, you gotta be the first to run.**

Ahh, Candlenights.  A real treat for everyone of all ages, and apparently on all planets, too.  The chilly weather, hot chocolate, celebrations, and all around festive spirit seemed to be a universal constant. It really warms the spirit, unless, of course, it’s negative something degrees outside.  It takes a lot to make an elf cold, but the weather on this particular planet left Taako chilled to the bone.  He wasn’t the only one either, he realized, as he coolly shifted his gaze to over where Barry and Lup were sitting, huddling up with each other.  A smirk tugged at his mouth.  He couldn’t _not_ say something, it was in fact his duty as Lup’s brother to pester her at every possible occasion.

“Lookin’ cozy over there, sis,” he cooed, trying his best to keep his voice steady while shivering.  Her response was to simply just flip him off and snuggle back into Barry’s shoulder.  Hmm.  Lucky bastards.  What he wouldn’t give for some body heat.

And what better way to get some than from actual human furnace, Magnus Burnsides?

It was like a lightbulb went off above his head at this revelation.  Unfortunately, it was not an actual lightbulb, or he would probably use that to warm himself up instead.

Quickly, he devised a plan to convince Magnus to cuddle with him. With all the casual aloofness he could muster, he strutted on over to where Magnus was sitting and having a conversation with Lucretia and Merle, and… just, sat on his lap.  Magnus, because he’s Magnus, did not seem to mind this development whatsoever.  He kept the conversation going with the other two, which seemed surprisingly lively given how the other half of the crew were too cold to speak, and even wrapped his arms around Taako’s waist.  Ahh, that’s the stuff right there.  That’s the money.  The jackpot.  The metaphorical G spot of cuddling.  Felt so good.  So nice.  So comfy.  So warm.

“Lookin’ cozy over there, bro!” Lup shouted mockingly.  Taako rolled his eyes and mirrored the middle finger she gave a second before.

Lucretia, for her part, chose not to comment and continue as if nothing happened. When you’ve been living in such close quarters with the same people for a few decades, you don’t get surprised by them very much.  Merle simply rose an eyebrow to Magnus, to which he replied with a small shrug.

The three of them kept their conversation going for a while, Taako zoning in and out of eavesdropping depending on how interesting it got, until Lucretia and Merle decided to retire for the night.  The only ones left in the common room were Magnus and Taako.  Lup and Barry had gone to bed a while ago, content to be able to take their cuddling to the warmth of their bed covers.

Finally, they were alone.  Magnus knew by now how to tell when Taako was in meditation or not, and judging by how perky his ears were, he was definitely wide awake.  Still, Magnus decided to speak softly.

“...Taako?”

“Hmmmmmmm?”

“Are you planning on going to bed soon?  Er, I mean, not that I’m not enjoying this, I’m definitely enjoying this - this, you, your presence, anytime, anywhere, is always welcome - but uh, I can’t feel my arm.  And I’m pretty sure it’s not just because it’s cold out.”

Taako didn’t move.  “How sure are you, brochacho?”

“Uhhh, I’d say at least, like, 68% sure.  Maybe 70.  You know what, split the difference, 69.”

“So you’re not 100% positive, which means I ain’t movin’ an inch, buddy.  You’re gonna sit here and hold me ‘til all your limbs fall off.”

Magnus attempted to hold in a laugh.  Attempted, but failed.  “Oh, come on!”

“Nope, no getting out of it.  Them’s the rules, homie.  You allow a Taako to grace you by sitting on your lap, you let him stay there for how long he sees fit.”

“Are those like, fairy rules?”

“Yep.  I’m your fairy god-elf, granting you one wish, but I get to say what your wish is, and it’s to keep me warm.”

“Alright, fair enough.”

“Mhmmmmmmm,” Taako hummed, nuzzling into Magnus’ neck.  They were both quiet for a few moments, but it wasn’t awkward.  It was nice.  Easy.  Companionable.  That is, until Magnus decided to break it.

“Hey, Taako?”  He whispered.

“Yeah?”

“Do you… Would you… Uagh, nevermind…”

“Third time’s a charm, Mags. Try again.”

“I… I was just wondering… This body heat thing is kinda nice, and uh…  This planet is pretty cold, especially at night, and it would be nice…  Of course, you don’t have to, I know you usually go off into Lup and Barry’s room, but I don’t have anyone to do that with, so I was wondering if you know… you’d wanna… keep… doing this?  But like, in my room, maybe?  Unless you think it’d be weird, or something, then like I said you don’t _have_ to-”

Taako sat up, pressing a finger to Magnus’ lips.  “Yes,” he said, cutting him off.

“Really?” Magnus mumbled-asked, with Taako’s finger still on his lips.  Taako took his hand back to cross his arms.

“Magnus, I’ve seen you ass naked at least forty times.  I think we’re past the point of anything being, quote unquote, ‘weird’ between us,” Taako said, using air quotes and everything.  Magnus seemed flustered at that for some reason, looking down at the floor and chuckling nervously.  That’s interesting, Taako thought, he wasn’t even purposefully trying to get him flustered this time.

“Uhh, when you say ‘anything’,” Magnus began, his voice uncharacteristically sheepish, “do you mean… like. _Anything?_ ”

“I did say _anything_ , didn’t I?” Taako egged on, curious to see what Magnus was getting at.  There was a slight pause.

And then Magnus’ lips were on his mouth.

Ah.  That’s what he was getting at.  Okay, sure, Taako’s always down for a little making out between friends.  So he kissed back before Magnus could pull away, holding him there by his hair.  He shifted his position slightly, now straddling the other man.  Magnus’ hands started running through Taako’s hair, and _oof_ , oh god, pulling hair must be a new kink for him, judging by how loud he was moaning from it.  He’ll stash that one away for later.  By now, there was a steady flow of arousal building in Taako’s belly, and judging by the heat in Magnus’ eyes, he was feeling the same.

“Bedroom?” Magnus breathed.  Upon receiving a nod from Taako, he scooped him up bridal style and started making his way there.  Taako snickered a bit, pressing a kiss to Magnus’ neck with every step he took. By the time they got to the bedroom, neither of them could keep their hands off each other.  Magnus put Taako down and immediately slammed him against the door and kissed him hard, which okay, looks like manhandling was another thing Taako was in to.  Tonight was just full of self discovery.

Taako wrapped his legs around Magnus’ waist, and Magnus took that as an opportunity to lift him higher against the wall, raising him until he was mouth level with Taako’s hips.  Slowly, he started undoing Taako’s pants with his teeth.

“Get a move on, big guy,” Taako demanded.

“You try undoing someone’s pants with your mouth.  It’s a lot of work,” Magnus said, or at least that’s what Taako is pretty sure that’s what he said.  His mouth was kind of occupied.

As it was occupied with something else, soon enough.  Magnus managed to get Taako’s pants down past his hips, and…

“You’re wearing a thong?” Magnus blinked.

“Haven’t you ever seen fantasy John Tucker Must Die?  They’re comfy as shit, dude.  Plus, they’re breathable.  And no one can see my undie lines with these and also, they’re just cute as fuck.  There’s no downside.”

“Yeah… Okay, yeah, I’m into it.  You look good in them,” Magnus said.

“And it’d be nicer for both of us if I were _out_ of them,” Taako said, bucking his hips a little impatiently.  Magnus took the hint, using his mouth once more to pull down the garment.  With his dick loose, it sprang to full arousal. Magnus licked his lips at the sight, vaguely reminding Taako of the way he does whenever he makes him dinner.  Tonight’s dinner? Cock salad. With maybe a little ranch on the side.

With a look of determination, Magnus wrapped his lips around the head, carefully swirling his tongue over around the member. A few times of that, he took his tongue back and lightly dipped his tongue into the slit.  Taako gave a low moan and bucked his hips again.  Magnus pulled off with a loud ‘pop’, shifting so he could kiss Taako’s neck, sucking and biting and leaving bruises.  Taako moaned again as Magnus trailed the kisses around his collar bone, hitting a particularly sensitive spot.  Magnus kept his mouth there for a while, paying special attention to see how long and loud he could make Taako moan.  After he was satisfied, he started trailing the kisses up his neck again and to his lips.

“Not that I, _ah_ , don’t appreciate this, big boy, but do you think you could, _ah_ , get back to the main event here?” Taako all but whined.  Magnus chuckled.

“You’re so needy.”

“Not my fault you’re a stud sent by God himself and I want you to eat me alive.”

Magnus stopped.  “... Like. Like a vore thing?”

“No, you fucking dingus, I was talking about you finishing the blowjob, but now my fucking boner is killed because of that.  Thanks a lot.”

“I can fix that,” Magnus said with a grin.

“Okay, then get on with it, Sam,” Taako huffed.

Magnus frowned.  “Who’s Sam?”

“From Holes?  Are you serious?  Have you never seen Holes?  The cinematic masterpiece of our generation?”

“The only hole I’m focused on right now is -”

“Then get _on_ with it, _bucko_ , _”_ Taako said with another buck of his hips, for emphasis.

Magnus huffed a laugh and shifted their positions again so he was once more level with Taako’s hips, and went back to work.  He very lightly scraped his teeth against Taako’s length, just enough to actually feel good, making Taako throw his head back against the door with another moan.  Magnus was encouraged, darting his tongue out to slide over the vein, eliciting more and louder noises from the elf.  He went deeper, pressing his nose to the fine hairs of his crotch, taking it all in and making Taako squirm.  He was a whimpering mess by now, and Magnus was growing more aroused by the second, the tent in his pants becoming more and more prominent.

“Ah, ah, _fuck_ , Maggie, I’m -” Taako cried out, and came into Magnus’ mouth.  Magnus grinned around Taako’s head and swallowed all of it, pulling off and licking his lips when he was done.  He gently set Taako down on the ground to allow him a second to gather himself while he took his own erection out and started stroking.  It didn’t take long for him to come, hot long ropes getting all over his arm.  He probably would have been grossed out by this normally, but he was too dazed and enthralled by how beautiful Taako looked in that moment.  Of course, Taako was beautiful any moment, but so relaxed?  So utterly blissful?  Magnus wish he could take a picture.  If only cameras had been invented yet.

“Y...you sure know how to show a guy a good time,” Taako finally said when he came to.

Magnus laughed.  “It was a pleasure.”

Taako scoffed.  “Oh, I’m sure it was, _nekte*_.”

Magnus laughed again, standing up and holding his clean hand out to Taako.  He took it, and made his way over to Magnus’ bed and sprawled out across it like a cat.  Magnus couldn’t help but smile a little at the sight.

“Hey, uh, I’m gonna clean up a little.  I’ll be right back,” he said, and Taako hummed in acknowledgement.  When he came back, Taako seemed to be already in meditation, so he crawled in bed next to him and pulled the elf close to his chest, exhausted and quickly falling asleep.

Magnus may know how Taako looks when he’s meditating, but Taako knows Magnus knows how he looks when he’s meditating.  It’s easy to fake.  He opened an eye, quietly watching his sleeping lover, looking so at peace. After Taako was sure Magnus was asleep, he reached a hand out and lightly touched his face.

“ _Melamin, lle naa vanima_ ,” he whispered.

When Magnus awoke in the morning, he felt oddly cold.  It was then he realized that Taako was gone.

 

* * *

 

ELVISH TRANSLATIONS

_*nekte_ : honey

** _Melamin, lle naa vanima_ : My love, you are beautiful

**Author's Note:**

> come yell w me on the [tunglr](http://taakoshell.tumblr.com/)


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